吐槽两则

想象中我的阳台上应该有把躺椅,尤其是珠海这种地方,一年至少九个月的夏天,窗外有蓝天青山和黄绿蓝灰的海,纱帘一拉,晒太阳吹风看书上网;想象中我的家里应该有条狗,温顺不吵闹,善解人意。

结果我领回来的是宇宙超级无敌2B小母狗;结果从那天起阳台就再没清净过一天。

刚有小野狗的时候,阳台的地砖都是蹲下来一块块擦干净的,用抹布啊!铮光瓦亮的!但随着小野狗排泄能力和破坏能力不断升级,清洁阳台这个事情愈发令人恶心反胃。就在这个时候——

话说阳台上有个水龙头,接着洗衣机的管子。

每到周末,小野狗洗完澡就直接关进浴室,我像公共厕所的清洁工一样提着洗衣机进水管在阳台上四处扫射,效果很好!跟洗车一样!冲罢一拖,果然还是铮光瓦亮!

天气很快开始燥热,我身上长多几斤肉以后就更加不想拎着小野狗进浴室,因此,上周我决定合二为一,阳台和狗一起洗!只见小野狗傲然屹立在水柱里,只消几个来回就冲得干干净净,浑身散发着一种刚洗过澡的狗腥味儿,阳台上现成的太阳和海风,两小时就能晾干,很好很方便!

以后再也不担心小野狗的卫生了!

我有一个同事。

以前早上一同拼车,说好40分准时在小区门口,十有八九要等到45分以后才见伊不慌不忙走过来,理由呢,今天找钥匙明天找钱包后天找饭卡,反正出门前总是恰好有什么东西要找的。有那么几回塞车晚到几分钟,伊电话倒是很准时40分打过来,问今日是否有车坐。

说到拼车呢,坐车不坐车肯定要提前打个招呼的。车子是我等吉大党在开,最好的路径当然是海边,但为了照顾伊这些香洲党,路径变成由吉大翻山到香洲再经三台石过前山河,单程起码多花半个钟头;自从前山桥开始大修,路径又改回吉大翻山过香洲再调头翻山回到吉大再下海边,单程也是多半个钟头的。总之香洲党们不坐车时吉大党便可轻轻松松一觉睡到自然醒,晚出发半个钟,此为背景。

可伊是个六月天一样瞬息万变的娃娃脸男纸啊!

曾几何时,夜半12点收到伊的电话,只为轻轻道一声:我明早要坐车哟~

上帝啊!!这TMD谁家的熊孩子半夜12点不睡觉打电话玩儿午夜凶铃!!

于是翌日6点半,天边的鱼肚白还没褪完,我便起了床。出门开车准备翻山,却听云中传来一阵婉转的手机铃声,伊在那端睡意朦胧曰,突然想起今天在城里还有别的事情,就不坐车了吧。

从此以后我养成了下班关机的好习惯。嗯,对心理和生理都很健康。

前不久大内终于下了通知,车留给我等交通只能靠脚的人拼,伊这种每月拿着交通补贴的不得一同混车,这对我的睡眠无疑是一个巨大解放!下班后终于敢开机了!

再说回这个丢三落四的事情。前面说了,伊酷爱忘带东西。倒是自己的小提包总是一步不离的提在手上,天知道这个包除了装B还能用来装神马。最近几天伊爱上了忘带饭卡。食堂为了避免闲杂人等乱入,每人每餐只能刷一次,否则不但不给饭吃还要受大婶鄙视——最近我有几次食欲不振,拒绝午餐,竟然每次都赶上伊忘带饭卡腆着脸来找我借。伊到底是有多热爱忘带饭卡啊。

借就借吧,我也不心疼那两块钱。问题是伊汤足饭饱后回来直接把卡往我桌上一丢就完事,话也没一句扭头就走。我家小野狗吃完狗粮还知道摇摇尾巴给我送个秋波的。

从此我养成了午休时间锁门谁叫也不开的好习惯,不但静音,还能静心!

 

542 thoughts on “吐槽两则

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