2月27

标题总是不想写年份。以前一直以为是强迫症使然,刚刚才意识到是我自己根本就想把时间线画成一个圈。一年年过去,周而复始,在同样的时间做不同的事,妄图永远走在奔三路上。

然而现实是,这个三我今年赖不过去。过去的十年里,一切借口托辞都言必称三十,等到30就如此这般,买房买车结婚生娃,过着白开水一样的生活。曾经觉得十分遥远的挡箭牌,现在终于要见到本尊,而我心里想的仍然是劈柴喂马。倒也没人催我,就是自己特别心虚。

不过转念一想,人生在世无非图自己心安,我和期待这些事情发生的人本不是一个池塘的鱼,何必那么认真。到底是对是错是利是弊,谁都说不清楚,只是走的路不同,看到的风景不同而已。只庆幸周围还有人理解我想去劈柴喂马的心思。

除去心虚,奔三末尾这段时间,感受到的先是心急,半年里发生了不少大事,大喜大悲,大大地折腾,仿佛用掉几年工夫。想改变又怕变数,一时也曾乱了阵脚,但生活这个碧池推着人往前不容犹豫,孰重孰轻也自然都显露出来,反而学会放下了,譬如名利、金钱,以至于脸皮,命都要没了,要这些何用?留下来的,责任、担当,还有爱,人性本当如此。

趁过年期间带全家人去人妖国自由行。行程排得懒散而欢乐,带团之余竟也抽出两天时间给自己完全放空,终于把捉急的情绪压了下去。而出去一走又总能看到自己身上诸多缺点,于是回国后的感觉又变成慌乱,进而转化成对时间的恐惧,似乎末日将至万劫不复。过去几年一直想做又没动力做的事情太多,曾经给自己的许诺,30岁以前要这样那样,实现的不过寥寥。眼看着2016到了,拖延症表示过完春节才算,紧接着年也过完了。明知不能等,又迟迟不肯动手。荒废的时间一去不返,这才是我最大的危机。

捉急和慌乱之外,还有对未来的一丝担忧。小时候总在幻想山外的世界,如今终于翻越重重山岭到了海边,却发现依然有座无形的山丘在心里。说走就走的旅行,说不定什么时候就变成说走就走的生活。现在的职业瓶颈已经初现端倪,是时候给自己造条救生艇了,保留随时弃船逃生的条件——毕竟支撑我留下的是工资和安稳,并不是工作内容。

晚上和师姐一边聊一边想自己这些破事。碰巧谈到理想,我第一个想法是随心所欲,话茬过后再仔细想想,应该是活得对得起自己,无怨无悔,这才像话。

奔三最后一截了。要跑起来啊。

————

#首先要完成的事情是去袋鼠国,这么些年一直想去一直没敢动手,欠自己一个交代。果断买了不得退改的机票,明天递签证申请,两周后去。

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